Tips
to Help Spouses Survive 4 Stressful Caregiving Situations
A fraction of a second
is all the time it takes for a tiny blood vessel in the brain to burst and
cause a hemorrhagic stroke. But the consequences of that event can ripple far
beyond the person who experienced it. In the blink of an eye, the person’s
marital relationship can be changed from a more-or-less equal partnership into
an unbalanced dynamic that causes stress in the marriage.
The caregiving
conversation often revolves around adult children caring for aging relatives,
but spouses get thrust into the caregiving role, too, due to a sudden illness
like a stroke or a chronic condition like Parkinson’s disease. Spousal
caregivers might face situations other caregivers do not, such as needing to
renegotiate marital roles or deal with in-law issues.
Let’s look at some
common scenarios spousal caregivers say they face—and some practical tips for
coping with them.
Spousal Criticism
After Patricia’s
husband had a stroke, he was no longer able to drive. As she commented in a CaregiverStress.com reader forum ,
“I am now the full time driver. He is very critical of my driving and
everything I do. It is very frustrating and at times I don't know what to do.”
It can be hard not to
take criticism personally, especially when it’s coming from your spouse. You
might feel like a failure, like you can’t do anything right in your spouse’s
eyes anymore.
When a spouse loses
the ability to perform functions he used to do, he might feel like a failure,
too. Sometimes that inability to contribute in the ways he used to could
manifest as criticism of what you’re doing.
That doesn’t make
incessant criticism right, but at least it might help you understand where your
spouse is coming from.
To cope with
unrelenting criticism, try renegotiating your marital roles:
·
Find things your
spouse can still do, and then give him control over them. Just because your
husband can’t drive, for example, it doesn’t necessarily mean he can’t pay the
bills.
·
If your spouse can no
longer perform tasks that require physical activity, find ways for her to
contribute to strategy. For instance, if your wife cannot cook dinner anymore,
let her plan menus instead.
If you can renegotiate
your mutual roles so each spouse feels he or she is making a contribution to
the household, you might find the criticism goes away.
In-Law Issues
Sometimes when a
person becomes disabled due to illness or injury, his or her family members
believe the decision-making process should include them. As a spouse, you might
have to navigate some tricky political waters. Theresa found herself in this
situation, commenting, “Trying to keep the peace with his siblings leaves me
feeling hurt that I now have a new role in the family, almost like I'm an
enemy.”
Some things to keep in
mind:
·
As the spouse, you
generally have every right to make decisions on behalf of your husband or wife
regardless of whether or not your in-laws agree with what you’re doing.
·
Make sure you and your
spouse have valid wills, living wills and power of attorney documents so
there’s no question who has the legal right to make decisions on you and your
spouse’s behalf should either of you become incapacitated.
·
Instead of dismissing
your in-laws’ concerns out-of-hand, try to listen and understand their
perspective. Perhaps a valid message is getting lost due to a clumsy delivery.
·
Try to find ways to
invite your in-laws’ participation in the caregiving process so they feel
they’re contributing to the situation in a positive way.
Juggling a Full-Time Job with
Caregiving
It’s a myth, of
course, that disability only affects seniors. When a disabling condition
strikes a young person, the effects on the spousal caregiver can be
devastating. As Laura said, “My husband is disabled, but not a senior, he's
only 48! This is not what either of us thought our marriage would be like! I
work full time and he has a home health aide, but as soon as I get home, I'm
working again. I haven't found any support resources for a couple like us, in
our forties.”
Tips to cope:
·
Turn to community resources
for help. Contact your local Area Agency on Aging. Despite its name, your AAOA
group likely will have lists of resources you can tap for respite care, home
care and more, no matter your age.
·
Look to your faith
community. It can be an excellent source of not only moral support but
practical help as well. You might find many people willing to provide respite
care, home maintenance and other types of assistance.
Loneliness
Your spouse is the one
person you share everything with. If his medical condition now makes emotional
intimacy impossible, you may begin to feel very alone in your marriage and your
life.
Loneliness can put you
at risk for medical ailments of your own. It’s imperative you eat well,
exercise and continue to maintain a social life in order to stay healthy.
Here’s how:
·
Keep healthful food in
the house. Try to plan meals and snacks in advance so you don’t resort to
grabbing junk food because it’s the only thing available.
·
If you can’t leave the
house to take a walk or hit the gym, invest in one good piece of home workout
equipment like a treadmill. This will enable you to reap the stress-busting
rewards of exercise without the anxiety of wondering if your spouse is all
right on her own while you’re away from the house.
·
Plan monthly or quarterly
get-togethers with your friends for dining, shopping, card games or another fun
activity. Arrange for a family member to take care of your spouse for the time
you’ll be gone or obtain professional
respite care by a trained CAREGiverSM from Home Instead Senior Care®.
·
Participate in online
communities, such as the Caregiver
Stress Relief community on Facebook. Communing with
others in a virtual setting can bolster your spirit, and you don’t have to
leave home to do it.
All too often, the
caregiving conversation revolves around children and grandchildren caring for
aging relatives. But spouses provide the bulk of care when their husband or
wife becomes ill or disabled at any age, and they face special challenges in
providing care. If you can renegotiate your spousal relationship, maintain good
relations with the in-laws and take time for self-care, you may find your
caregiving life more rewarding than you’d imagined it could be.
