Home Instead Senior Care Addresses: "How To Deal with Family Conflict Caused by Alzheimer's"

How to Deal with Family Conflict Caused by Alzheimer’s

Only when families work together as a team can their loved ones with Alzheimer's receive the best love and care possible.   

Shortly after her father passed away, Valerie's mother was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease.

“When it became apparent that there was something wrong with my mother, my brother told me, ‘I’m sorry, but I’m done with her.’

I don’t know what happened between them, but he was true to his word. He was really scarce with his visits. I guess since I am her caregiver, I’m out too. He has no contact with me. I am really alone in this endeavor to take care of Mom. Alzheimer’s has broken up my family.”

Sadly, an ill loved one is the number one trigger for family conflict, according to a study conducted by the Home Instead Senior Care^® network. Coping with the reality of a loved one’s Alzheimer’s not only has its emotional difficulties, but logistical ones as well, especially in terms of decision-making and bearing the responsibility of caregiving. Despite these challenges, the following tips may help you unite your family around your loved one with Alzheimer’s when that person needs family support the most.

·         Communicate Regularly. Don’t allow weeks to turn into months and years of not communicating with family members you feel should take a vested interest in your parents’ condition and care. If you’ve fallen out of touch with a member of your family, reach out through a phone call, email, card or letter.

·         Empathize. Difficult situations affect everyone differently, so try to understand your sibling’s point of view before getting angry or upset. Approaching the issue this way will help you suggest an appropriate solution. Maybe your brother can’t emotionally deal with Mom “losing her mind.” If that’s the case, maybe he can help you by contributing financially to her care instead. Empathy was one main factor that helped keep the Hamilton sisters united. The stress of their mother’s illness affected every person in the family differently, but as you’ll learn from their family’s story, they persevered through the challenges to provide the loving care they felt their mother deserved.

·         Ask for Help. If you feel over-burdened by the responsibility of caregiving, inform the rest of your family (without complaining or blaming others). Your sibling(s) may assume you’re doing just fine handling everything on your own unless you tell them what challenges you’re facing and specific ways they can help. As the maxim goes, “a burden shared is a burden halved.”

·         Make Decisions Together. Even if you serve as the primary caregiver of your parents, involve your sibling(s) when you need to make a major care decision. Maybe you feel Dad’s Alzheimer’s has progressed to a point where he needs additional assistance, and you’re looking into hiring a professional in-home caregiver for him. Talk through the pros, cons, financial considerations and possible alternatives with your siblings before you make a decision. Taking their thoughts and opinions into account will help to eliminate any hard feelings, grudges or resentments.

·         Leave Childhood Rivalries Behind. Easier said than done, of course, but try to approach the issue as the adult you are now, not as the younger person your siblings may still see you as. Stepping back and realizing how unresolved issues from long ago influence your present relationships may put a helpful new perspective on your current situation.

·         Enlist the Help of a Mediator. Sometimes family issues become too complicated or emotionally charged to solve on your own. A third-party resource, particularly a professional such as a counselor, mediator or even a doctor or geriatric care manager, can provide an impartial voice of reason.

Only when families work together as a team can their loved ones with Alzheimer’s receive the best love and care possible. Remember that regardless of your past history or current situation, all relationships are a work-in-progress. Envisioning how efforts to make amends will ultimately benefit everyone and can help steer you and your family members on a path toward reconciliation.

For additional support managing family relationships and resolving family conflict, explore the resources in our 50-50 Rule® program.

Visit us online @ http://www.caregiverstress.com/dementia-alzheimers-disease/elder-care/family-conflict-caused-by-alzheimers/

Home Instead Senior Care Addresses: "Family Won't Help With Mom? 6 Strategies to Help Reduce the Drama"

Family Won't Help with Mom?
6 Strategies to Reduce the Drama

Chances are you spend a good deal of your life planning for the future. You plan your career path. You plan for retirement. But you may never have planned on becoming a family caregiver.

If you’re like many children of senior parents, you became a caregiver in small increments, over the course of time. Maybe it began by providing transportation after Dad gave up the car keys or by making phone calls to the insurance company to straighten out a health claim. As time went on, those favors likely became more frequent and you found yourself providing more and more care until you realized you were spending a significant portion of your free time taking care of Mom and Dad—perhaps much more time than your siblings spent pitching in.

Few people become family caregivers by sitting down with the whole family and creating a plan that covers the who, what, when, where and how of caregiving.

Unfortunately, this lack of planning can lead to family drama and sibling resentment. In discussions within the Caregiver Stress Facebook community, caregivers frequently express frustration over their inability to get other family members to help with Mom or Dad’s care. They often say they feel they became the primary caregiver by default and now shoulder the burden alone.

If you count yourself in that group—or if you want to avoid the sibling squabbles that can arise over family caregiving—take heart. It is possible, to a certain extent, to begin the caregiving conversation over again. These six tips can help you step back from any existing family drama over caregiving and create a plan to help you all move forward in harmony.

1. Start planning well in advance, if possible

It is never too late (or too early) to start the conversation. Even if you are well into the caregiving journey, you can access planning aids to help you move forward with more help from your siblings.

The 50/50 Rule® program, developed by Home Instead Senior Care®, offers resources for developing senior care plans that involve all of the aging family member’s children. Try to have your first conversations on this subject when the eldest sibling turns 40 years old, and continue to talk about how to share the caregiving before your parent even needs it. This way, no one sibling will “back in to” the caregiving role without the support of other family members. 

2. Look at the big picture ~ For some families, the caregiving conversation begins with details: “I can’t possibly help take care of Mom because all of my kids are enrolled in extracurricular activities,” or “I live five hours away, and I’m not sacrificing my vacation time to fly in and take care of Dad.”

Instead of starting the caregiving conversation by diving into the details of everyone’s life, try taking a step back to look at the bigger picture. What types of support does your loved one need right now? What types of care will he or she require in the future? Once you have identified your loved one’s needs, then you can begin a conversation that gets into the details of which sibling can provide which types of support.

3. Take the emotions out of the conversation as much as possible

Siblings share an intimate personal history that sometimes includes baggage: hard feelings, old hurts. Try to set these emotions aside and deal matter-of-factly with your parent’s needs in the moment—and going forward. Keep the focus on achieving goals, not on your family dynamics. When you approach the topic of shared caregiving from a perspective of “here’s what Mom and Dad need, now how can we all provide it?”, the conversation may go more smoothly.

If you find it impossible to have these conversations without tempers flaring, consider hiring a mediator. These professionals can help bring everyone to a resolution without the hurt feelings that may accompany a do-it-yourself approach.

4. Match caregiving tasks with each person’s talents and abilities

Your older brother may balk at helping with caregiving if he is expected to bathe and toilet your mother. Your petite younger sister may not be willing to wrestle Dad’s walker into the car in order to drive him to appointments. Instead of insisting each sibling provide the same types of care, try to match tasks with each person’s abilities and interests. Perhaps your sister who lives far away would be willing to pay Mom’s bills and deal with other financial issues. Or maybe your brother who lives nearby would be happy to take Dad to his doctor appointments. There are many ways to divvy up the caregiving pie.

5. Accept that one person may always provide a disproportionate amount of care

You can’t force your siblings to help. That’s a simple truth. And even when you do get family members to commit to help with caregiving, you still may find you provide a disproportionate amount of that care. Try to come to terms with the fact that this is normal in most family caregiving situations. Acceptance may be easier in the long run than constantly feeling resentful.

If you feel undervalued for the amount of care you provide, try investigating ways to get paid for family caregiving. According to AARP, there are a number of methods that allow your parent to compensate you for the help you provide, including direct payment and tapping a long-term care insurance policy. Even if your loved one can’t afford to pay you much, sometimes receiving a token payment can help you feel valued.

6. Take care of your own emotional needs ~ High stress, isolation and depression are real dangers of caregiving, especially if you add in family conflict over caregiving issues. Although it can be hard to find time for self-care, be sure to make your own needs a priority. Even five minutes alone in the fresh air, or half an hour with a good book, can help you feel refreshed and recharged. If possible, hire a professional caregiver occasionally so you can get some time to focus on yourself.

Visit us online @ http://www.caregiverstress.com/

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