Family Won't Help with Mom?
6 Strategies to Reduce the Drama
Chances
are you spend a good deal of your life planning for the future. You plan your
career path. You plan for retirement. But you may never have planned on
becoming a family caregiver.
If
you’re like many children of senior parents, you became a caregiver in small
increments, over the course of time. Maybe it began by providing transportation
after Dad gave up the car keys or by making phone calls to the insurance
company to straighten out a health claim. As time went on, those favors likely
became more frequent and you found yourself providing more and more care until
you realized you were spending a significant portion of your free time taking
care of Mom and Dad—perhaps much more time than your siblings spent pitching
in.
Few
people become family caregivers by sitting down with the whole family and
creating a plan that covers the who, what, when, where and how of caregiving.
Unfortunately,
this lack of planning can lead to family drama and sibling resentment. In
discussions within the Caregiver Stress Facebook
community, caregivers frequently express frustration over their
inability to get other family members to help with Mom or Dad’s care. They
often say they feel they became the primary caregiver by default and now
shoulder the burden alone.
If you
count yourself in that group—or if you want to avoid the sibling squabbles that
can arise over family caregiving—take heart. It is possible, to a certain
extent, to begin the caregiving conversation over again. These six tips can
help you step back from any existing family drama over caregiving and create a
plan to help you all move forward in harmony.
1.
Start planning well in advance, if possible
It is
never too late (or too early) to start the conversation. Even if you are well
into the caregiving journey, you can access planning aids to help you move
forward with more help from your siblings.
The 50/50 Rule® program,
developed by Home Instead Senior Care®, offers resources for developing senior
care plans that involve all of the aging family member’s children. Try to have
your first conversations on this subject when the eldest sibling turns 40 years
old, and continue to talk about how to share the caregiving before your parent
even needs it. This way, no one sibling will “back in to” the caregiving role
without the support of other family members.
2. Look
at the big picture ~ For
some families, the caregiving conversation begins with details: “I can’t
possibly help take care of Mom because all of my kids are enrolled in
extracurricular activities,” or “I live five hours away, and I’m not
sacrificing my vacation time to fly in and take care of Dad.”
Instead
of starting the caregiving conversation by diving into the details of
everyone’s life, try taking a step back to look at the bigger picture. What
types of support does your loved one need right now? What types of care will he
or she require in the future? Once you have identified your loved one’s needs,
then you can begin a conversation that gets into the details of which sibling
can provide which types of support.
3. Take
the emotions out of the conversation as much as possible
Siblings
share an intimate personal history that sometimes includes baggage: hard
feelings, old hurts. Try to set these emotions aside and deal matter-of-factly
with your parent’s needs in the moment—and going forward. Keep the focus on
achieving goals, not on your family dynamics. When you approach the topic of
shared caregiving from a perspective of “here’s what Mom and Dad need, now how
can we all provide it?”, the conversation may go more smoothly.
If you
find it impossible to have these conversations without tempers flaring,
consider hiring a mediator. These professionals can help bring everyone to a
resolution without the hurt feelings that may accompany a do-it-yourself
approach.
4.
Match caregiving tasks with each person’s talents and abilities
Your
older brother may balk at helping with caregiving if he is expected to bathe
and toilet your mother. Your petite younger sister may not be willing to
wrestle Dad’s walker into the car in order to drive him to appointments.
Instead of insisting each sibling provide the same types of care, try to match
tasks with each person’s abilities and interests. Perhaps your sister who lives
far away would be willing to pay Mom’s bills and deal with other financial
issues. Or maybe your brother who lives nearby would be happy to take Dad to
his doctor appointments. There are many ways to divvy up the caregiving pie.
5.
Accept that one person may always provide a disproportionate amount of care
You
can’t force your siblings to help. That’s a simple truth. And even when you do
get family members to commit to help with caregiving, you still may find you
provide a disproportionate amount of that care. Try to come to terms with the
fact that this is normal in most family caregiving situations. Acceptance may
be easier in the long run than constantly feeling resentful.
If you
feel undervalued for the amount of care you provide, try investigating ways to
get paid for family caregiving. According to AARP, there are a number of
methods that allow your parent to compensate you for the help you provide,
including direct payment and tapping a long-term care insurance policy. Even if
your loved one can’t afford to pay you much, sometimes receiving a token
payment can help you feel valued.
6. Take
care of your own emotional needs ~ High
stress, isolation and depression are real dangers of caregiving, especially if
you add in family conflict over caregiving issues. Although it can be hard to
find time for self-care, be sure to make your own needs a priority. Even five
minutes alone in the fresh air, or half an hour with a good book, can help you
feel refreshed and recharged. If possible, hire a professional caregiver
occasionally so you can get some time to focus on yourself.
